Out of the Bathroom and into MiddleEarth
by Domina-Spring
Summary: I decided to try my hand at one of these girl falls into M.E senarios. No there will be no legomancemarysue in this one. Just a lot of humor and selfdiscovery. Have I made it? Will I go insane from lack of humanelf contact? Chapter 7 is here!
1. Oh Vanity, why did you betray me?

Out of the Bathroom and into Middle-Earth

On a cool February night, dusk had settled. The house was alit, but too quiet for my taste. Strange things had a tendency to happen on those kinds of nights. These nights were filled with magic, but only when you did not want it be there.

I had been almost alone that night. My sister was out with her friends at some movie, and mom still working late. So, the only one there was Scotty. Scotty, my dog, seemed restless, and anxious for my mom to come home. But most of all I was bored out of my skull.

As an avid LOTR obsessy, I had always found that watching any of the Lord of the Rings movies was always entertaining. After I had finished my dinner, I popped the Fellowship of the Ring movie into the DVD player and pressed play.

The title page had just pulled up, and Galadriel had just started talking. Then all of a sudden, I had the urge to go and wash my hands and comb my hair. "It's 6:30 at night," I thought. "Where on Earth did this thought come from!"

Despite the complete weirdness of it all, I acted upon the urge and walked down my long hallway. I of course, washed my hands and combed my hair (Blah blah blah). Then as I turned to leave the bathroom, I noticed the knob was shaking. The ground around me was completely still, and yet the knob shook like the Earth was collapsing around me.

Then the ground shook furiously like a 5.4 earthquake. The contents of my medicine cabinet started to spill on the floor and I was forced to get down on the ground and cover my head.

There had never been an earthquake in my town since I can remember. Maybe even before I was born, there had never been an earthquake. They weren't exactly plentiful in the desert. So being caught in an earthquake in my bathroom was strange enough. But of course, things had to get so much weirder and much worse.

The ground underneath me started to crack. The tile was breaking and I could do nothing about it. The floor started to split right down the middle below me. I sat mesmerized (while covering my head) almost waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Aaaaannnnnnnnnnnddddddd. . .cliff hanger! You must read the next chapter to find out What happens to me. . .I'm so mean aren't I?

Read and review. It's my first little fic. Be nice to me. Not insulting criticism, but constructive. If you find spelling errors or if something doesn't make sense. Please tell me. I appreciate it. But if you really thought it was funny. Those are good too!


	2. A swim in the plasma field!

The ground split in two like a machete through a plum, and gravity kicked in like a mule. (Great Metaphor, eh?) I went for my first flight without a parachute. . . That is, falling into the darkness of the Earth without anyway to stop it . . .

Down, down, down I spun through the gaping hole which I had managed to open in my bathroom. As I was plummeting through the dark crack in the Earth, a strange thought filled my head along with the more prominent thoughts of : "AHHHHHHHHH! I'm going to die! I'm falling! AHHHHH! Help me somebody!"

The other thought (thoughts, if you want to be technical...Silly technical people. . .) was "AHHHH, my mom is going to kill me for making such a mess in the bathroom. What are we going to do with a giant hole in the bathroom?"

I screamed and screamed as I fell. I was sure I would be horse by the time I got to the bottom. Seeing as, I kept falling for a very long time. So, I kept screaming as I fell. It certainly was a big hole to fall through. At one point I thought I was just going to keep falling and screaming for the next hour, but my faith was restored when I felt myself coming toward some sort of energy field.

Yes, you heard me. An energy field. A big, bright, blue energy field in the middle of the "hole". So, my thought patterns changed a bit to: "AAAAAHHHHHH! I'm going to die, and I'm going to be electrocuted! Death by electrocution! Is that better then braking all the bones in your body when you hit the ground! AHHHHHHHH!"

I braced my self for the shock. Well, as well as you can do when you are falling rapidly down a hole that you can't stop falling, even if you tried. But as I hit the field, I just crashed through it. No shock whatsoever. The only thing that changed was I landed on something. Whatever it was in that field it was slick. I started to slide foreword. . .or down. . .or whatever. I don't know! It was a different direction from what I had been falling. Which was down. That I know for certain.

Anywhoo, I slid through a tunnel of what I call "plasma energy" . Twisting through it like I was on water slide. If it had been a water slide I would have been going "Wheeeeeeeee!" But it wasn't one, so I wasn't in the mood to do that.

Finally after many twistings and turnings through this water slide of energy, I plunged through the "end". . . In which I incidentally lost consciousness. . . Darn you Irony. . .


	3. I should have brought a map

(Sorry, I forgot to put this on my other chapters, but its still applies.) Disclaimer: I don't own any of Tolkein's work. I only own me!) BTW! I know about the "hoarse" misspelling. I can't fix it for right now. But you all know what I meant. . .So, we're good.

Alone.

No welcome party to greet me. Just alone.

It's a terrifying thing to find yourself, laying in a grassy meadow no where near your comfy little bathroom you last remembered being in. But I had to believe that it could be worse. Could it be worse?

As soon as I realized that the darkness was clearing from my eyes. I began to notice that I was staring at a blue sky. "Nice sky," I thought. " And the birds seem very active today….Very chirpy……Wait! Sky?"

My brain finally kicked into gear. What was I doing outside? I don't have that ventilated of a room to sleep in! Where am I? That terror I mentioned earlier, was very prominent at the moment. I quickly sat up straight as a soldier.

If I was sight seeing, I would have loved the grassy field and the beautiful flowers around me . . .No, this was time to panic! When I panic, I tend to have conversations with myself. I think this was a good time to open up communication lines with myself.

"Okay, Where am I?" I began my conversation as I stood up, and looking around.

"I was in the bathroom and then the "hole", and then the energy slide, and now. . .here."

"Where is here?" I panned around the field.

"Hey! There's something over there!"

A ways away, towered what looked to be a tall structure. Yes, a structure. I couldn't see what it was so that's what I'll call it for now. This "structure" had to be pretty big since I was far away. Seeing as I was scared, lost, and confused; I went toward the "structure".

Boy, that was one long trek. All the fan fictions and stories make it look easy. I was walking through shin deep grass and flowers. That sort of slows you down. Luckily, I was wearing jeans. Can you image going through it is shorts?

So, a mile later I reached " the structure". Turns out it was on a hill, and very run down. In fact, half of it looked to be gone. I guess you could call it "weathered". I wasn't sure what was up there, but I intended to find out. I then proceeded to climb up the side of this hill.

"Yay," I said out loud.

"Just what I wanted to do today. Go trekking through a field and climb up a hill. Oh, joy!"

I continued grumbling in moody tone as I climbed up the side. Reaching the top was sweet relief. My relief fell short when I found. . .

Rocks.

Yep. . . rocks.

The ground was covered with a thick layer of solid rock. Statues of bearded men stood tall next to the remaining columns. This place looked like an abandoned ruin. The grass had grown over the rocks and stones and statues that had been knocked down. In a way you could call it: Decrepit.

Even though it wasn't the most well kempt facility, it had an old pleasurable feeling to it. (In author talk, that's a nice way of saying that it was "retro.") It reminded me of an old house that had sat for a few hundred years. Except a tad less roof then a house.

I took a commanding view of the valley. Generally it was barren of any sort of landmarks, or even a nice taco stand that would have helped out tremendously. At least you can get directions at a taco stand. No such luck in this case.

Then, in the distance I spotted a moving figure. Two moving figures to be exact. They were on foot, and quite a ways away. Who could they be? Could they be friend or foe? Merchant or car salesmen?

It could be anyone.

I decided to find a place to hide until I could answer these questions. You don't want to just meet a couple of guys and have them sell you a car right off the bat. It could be bad car too. Especially since they were on foot.

Anyway, now that I'm done with that tangent. I hid around the "back" of the structure. Squatting behind some rocks and a column. I waited until they came by. I was some time before they came, but I didn't to move just incase they saw me as they were climbing up. Soon I heard foot steps coming up the side entrance.

They were heavy boots. Like the kind you would where for hiking. I could just see around the out growth of plants that had grown out of the rocks. These men were pretty dirty. In fact, I think I could almost smell them from here. Their hair was greasy and gross looking. There clothes looked rather like they had laid in a lot of dirty places. Maybe they preferred pig styles for beds? Or they had sworn off bathing. Whatever. They were just DIRTY.

They seemed to patrol the area. Stalking carefully and silently. Very Lion-like. I think they were looking for me. They must have seen me…. I could be in deep trouble.

One of them came near me. I held my breath and got out of site. He passed over me. After that, they stopped and looked at each other.

"There appears to be no one here," one said in a low voice.

"Maybe whoever it was left," the other replied. "Or perhaps there was no one was here to begin with."

The first one seemed to move a little. I could only hear what they said.

"Look. There are strange sets of prints in the dirt over here. Have you ever seen such designs on the bottom of a boot?" The first one seemed rather shocked by my simple tennis shoes.

"Do see the size of the prints?" The other one said. "Whoever it is, has very large feet!"

Thanks a lot guys! Its not my fault I have nine and a half size feet. I know I have big feet, but I'm also very tall for a girl. I kind can't help the feet situation. The least they could have done was not mention it.

"The tracks lead out of Weathertop, and go over this way. Should we follow them?"

The second man was very keen on following my trail. I hoped he wouldn't…Wait…Did he just say Weathertop? That sounds vaguely familiar. Wonder where it's from?...Just kidding.

"No," the other replied. "I think we should move on to the Prancing Pony. Gandalf agreed to meet us there. He had one of his trips to Hobbiton and would like to discuss some things. We should be there very soon before he leaves again."

"I see your point," the other dirty man replied. "Lets continue on until night fall."

With that, they got up and left the way they came. I continued to wait until they were a great distance away. During this time, I had a mental freak out. It was about like this:

"Weathertop? What am I doing her? Could he mean that this is really Middle Earth? Maybe its some elaborate hoax, and I'm not really here. Wait, he mentioned Gandalf! It can't be a hoax. How could these men know about Gandalf and Hobbiton if it didn't really exist."

It suddenly hit me that the impossible had happened. How it happened was a mystery, but something strange and glorious had happened to me. I was in Middle Earth.

Whoopy! Break out the sparkling cider and let's celebrate! I'm in Middle Earth all by myself!

… Oh ya. That's a bit of a problem, isn't it? I'm…all by myself in Middle Earth. I should have taken a map shouldn't I? Oh well, tallyho!

I marched out of Weathertop, and headed the opposite direction the men came. I had a hunch it would take me to Rivendell. At least I can see the Elves. They tend to be more understanding of strange situations… I hope.

trip "Great," I mumbled aloud. I can't even walk without tripping. I hope the rest of the journey goes smoothly.

Read and Review, PEOPLE! I made it longer. I need to know how my writing is doing. Does it need a little more humor? Any requests are good. Hugs for all you reviews. And thanks for the reviews I got on my last chapters. I appreciate it.


	4. So, a road would be nice right about now

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR, but I do own The dance I invented. It's my precious!

Reviews: Thanks for all your input. It was greatly appreciated.

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My nice little stroll was seemingly smooth for the first half. The country side was quite beautiful even with its rugged features. Even though I was lost, I still wished I could have brought my digital camera. That would have been so cool.

I am a very paranoid person at times. So, being alone in the wilderness did not help my fear. I was always looking around for danger, or anyone coming. I had to be careful since I was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and big shoes. I kind of stuck out like a sore thumb.

At this time I really wished I was oblivious like the "sues". Just prancing around Middle Earth without any fear because I'm "so perfect". After about an hour of paranoid thoughts, I decided I'd had enough. I did the best thing I knew to counteract these thoughts.

I got down on the ground, and I prayed. I prayed that God would give me peace. I needed Him. I knew that from the beginning I should have been praying. It wasn't by sheer accident that I was here. It had a purpose that only He knew.

I don't know how long I had my head down in prayer, but after I finally looked up. I felt much better. I stood up and resumed my walk; feeling not so scared. Then I saw something.

A beautiful, wonderful, rocky, dirt. . . road.

I nearly started jumping for joy as I saw it.

I restrained my self from doing that.

Instead. . .I ran to the road and fell down next to it. I kissed the ground and told the road I loved it. I wish you could give roads a hug, it would have been even better. I had never been so happy to see a dirt road.

I got up and started walking on the road. Doing my "I found a road dance" as I walked along. I guess you could say I was just a little bit happy. Finally there was some hope.

"Thank you God!" I said this out loud and looked up to the sky.

I continued my "afternoon stroll" down the road. Just as happy as a lark, then I heard something. The sound of roaring water. It sounded really close. Maybe I was near a river.

"Hey," I said aloud. "I can go for a swim and meet the natives!"

"I'm so stoked! Maybe they'll have food . . . or some way to get me out of here."

"Or maybe there will be some people there that I can talk to so I can stop talking to myself."

"I think I'm starting to sound crazy."

So I walked a little more. I admired the pretty little flowers along the way, and the bugs that crawled all over them. Then a random cow came out of the trees and scared the living daylights out of me. It proceeded to stand in the middle of the road looking rather stupid. Just mooing away and staring at me.

"Are you waiting for a cart to come so you can get hit by it?" I asked the cow as I walked up to it.

"You know, I've always wondered why cows just stand in the middle of road. Do you guys just like it? Does it make you feel tough?"

The cow said nothing to me. It flitted its tail and just looked around. I realized I just had a pointless conversation with a cow. That's how lonely I was. Wow, this is sad.

"Man, I need to see some people." I said.

I walked around the cow wondering if it was a dairy or a bull cow. Maybe I could have some milk and some apple pie. Apple pie the symbol of Americana. Good old America. I was starting to miss it. I think I even missed school a little bit. Wonder if my friends know I was missing. I hoped their not too worried.

I had walked down the road thinking about this, and had failed to notice that I was approaching a bridge. I must have spaced out for a long time, because the next thing I know, I'm standing in front of the bridge.

I remember the Last Bridge when I looked at a map of Middle Earth, but the fellowship never actually crossed it so I didn't really know what to expect. If I had had any expectations about the bridge, they would be definitely succeeded.

It was a stone bridge thankfully. I would be really freaked out if it wasn't. It looked old. Not weathered like Weathertop. Perhaps that's why they call it that. Or maybe it was named after a guy named Weathertop…Could be.

I walked half way across the bridge. I looked out on to the river. I couldn't remember the name of it. Then I realized that I wasn't even close to Rivendell. And night was falling fast. I think it was time that I regrouped.

A mental image of the map came to me.

"CRAP!" I shouted and kicked the bridge with my foot. The river echoed my exclamation.

I just remembered that the Fords of Bruinen come after the Troll shaws. I did not want to walk by a forest full of trolls with out any food, water or no protection. This presented a problem. I didn't even have any matches for tonight's fire. What was I going to do?

I made an executive decision to go back to the other side. I think it would be more safe to spend the night on that side then the other. Especially with all these trolls wandering about.

A lone tree stood on the other side of it. It had grown tall and seemed reasonable for a place to spend the night. Well, excluding the fact that there was no mint on my pillow when I got there. Actually I would have liked just a pillow at all. I guess a tree branch would have to do.

The tree had branches that you could climb and prop yourself in. I hoped that I would not be disturbed. I was so tired but I knew I had to stay up and watch. There could be things roaming the country while I slept. I had no protection, no fire, and no blanket. All I had was this stupid tree.

I was pretty sure that it was spring here in Middle Earth. When I walked it didn't seem to cold at all. Now that night had come, it began to get cold. I was afraid of hypothermia now.

"Now I really can't sleep can I?" I whispered to myself.

"I'll freeze to death if I do."

I sat there shivering for a while as it grew colder. Prayer was the only thing that kept me awake. Playing games weren't helping, and listening to the crickets made me sleepy. I finally decided that the best way for me stay awake was to. . .

DO THE COLD DANCE.

I got out the tree and started jumping up and down in a circle. I must have looked pretty silly, but it made me laugh thinking about all the times I did this to stay warm during marching band. I danced to music unseen and ran around the tree.

I'm pretty sure I looked like a raving lunatic, but it was better then freezing to death. I wasn't sure if I should just keep moving on the road to keep warm, or if I should jump up and down all night.

My prayers were answered when I heard the sound of hooves barreling down the road. The rider was holding a lamp as they came up the road. I took this opportunity to stand in the middle of the road and wave them down. I thought I was going to cry, I was so happy. I didn't care who they were. They had fire and that's all I needed.

Who is this alleged rider? Are they friend or foe? You'll have to review and find out.

Sorry this chapter is a little depressing. I hope you liked the random cow. That was inspired by my friend. But I totally would have talked to the cow if I saw one in Middle Earth.


	5. The Rider in the night

Thank you reviewers! You all get hugs and cookies! The short awaited chapter five is here. Hope you enjoy! By the way, I don't own LOTR. I don't own the pirates of Penzance. I'm sorry this isn't as humorous. I promise the next one will be. I had to clear a few things up.

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I stood shivering in the middle of the road as the horse came to a stop. (And I mean a "horse" not a "hoarse".) The rider was cloaked so I couldn't see their face.

The rider held the lantern above just so I could see the outline of his cloak. I really wasn't sure what to do at that point. I hadn't actually considered what I would say to the rider before I stood in the middle of the road. Now I was here and I didn't know what to do.

"Please sir . . ." I managed to come up with. "I'm-so cold."

It seemed those five words had a greater effect then I anticipated. The rider got off the horse immediately and took a bag off the back of it. The lantern was still attached to his hand somehow. I couldn't see it in the darkness. I was pretty sure it was at least 10:00 at night.

The rider pulled out a large cloth type thing. Then he walked over and handed it to me. It was soft and warm; it even had a hood attached to it. I wrapped it around me and continued to stand in the middle of the road.

As I was doing this, the cloaked stranger had taken out some other things from the bag. It included some sticks, a flint, and tinder. He walked the horse over to the tree and tied it to the other side. Then he started a fire with the sticks and tinder. Soon the fire began to burn brightly.

The man looked at me. "Come and sit." He said.

I sat next to the fire across from the man. His face was mostly hidden by the hood draped over him. Though the fire burned, I still didn't have enough light to see who he was. Strangely I wasn't afraid of him. His presence seemed to calm me, and I felt I knew him somehow. I didn't understand.

I realized I had been staring into the fire for a while and hadn't said a word to him. I probably should engage in some form of small talk with the person who kept me from freezing to death. That's the courteous thing to do.

"Thank you" I said looking up at him.

He didn't reply, he just continued to stare at the fire. I thought that rather odd. Most people at least say "you're welcome" to you when you thank them.

"Do you believe that you are ready for this journey?" He asked. It took me quite by surprise; seeing as he hadn't said that much since we had been here.

"I-I-I don't know. I hadn't really considered the journey yet. Mostly survival."

"You must" He said.

"Why?" I inquired.

"Your journey will be both long and difficult. You will see things you've never encountered before and do things which you've never had to do. Do you think you are prepared for it?"

His question seemed to pierce me right through to the heart of me. I felt afraid of what was going to happen. I didn't know who to turn to.

"I don't know. . ."

The stranger lifted his head and looked at me for the first time. I saw his shining eyes and His light illuminated from around his face. I knew who he was now. I knew in that moment, that it was my King.

"You are ready, My child." He said.

He got up and took the sword from the saddle. Then, He gave it to me. I held this sword and marveled at it. I was in awe of his presence.

"Remove it from its sheath" He said.

I did; to reveal a gleaming blade. The handle was encrusted in jewels and gold, but the blade was the most magnificent. A thin line of gold went through the center and ended near the tip of the blade. Two stones of amethyst and diamond studded either side of the line. Even the sheath had some form of gold wrapping it.

"That sword will pierce the hardiest of armor as long as you remember my Word. To anchor it to your waist I give you a belt of truth." With that he pulled out a gold trimmed belt and handed it to me.

" With these, you may fight off any attacks from the evil that will threaten you. But remember, though they come against you, they have been defeated already. You need not fear them. I will be with you."

"Thank you, my Lord."

I felt so many things at the moment when I said that. I was so happy to see Him, and yet shocked by the sword in my hand, and in such awe at his wondrous presence. It was truly an indescribable feeling.

I put the sword back in the sheath. I had to ask Him.

"Lord, why me? Why am I here?"

He looked straight at me and replied. "You shall know in due time. All you must know is that you are here, because I sent you here."

"Come child," he said. "Rest your eyes. Morning will soon be here and I will be gone. But do not worry when I am gone. I am always with you, even when the night seems its darkest."

"Sleep now."

I laid my head on the ground and wrapped myself in the cloak. I felt warm and safe. It wasn't long before I was sound asleep. I woke up to the sun rising over the hills and felt its beams kiss my face. I opened my eyes and found that He and His horse were gone. But still His presence lingered.

The sack containing the supplies had been left and the fire had been put out. All was right and I had to get moving if I wanted to reach Rivendell today. I was ready now to take on the trolls. They didn't stand a chance against me and my blade. I was ready to fight!

I place the belt and sword around my waist , and pined the cloak around my neck. I hope I looked less conspicuous while I was traveling. I thanked God for His gifts and continued to walk down the road.

I walked the road feeling rather pumped for the situation. That bridge didn't seem so big anymore. If had a bungee cord. I would have bungee jumped off it. That's how excited I was. I skipped along the bridge that day feeling extremely happy.

I even broke out into one of the most annoying songs to sing.

"Climbing over Rocky Mountains" from the Pirates of Penzance.

I'm pretty sure, that at the pitch I was singing, the elves could have heard me from Rivendell. I approached the Trollshaws very wary though. I was quiet on the road. I didn't want to disturb them enough for them to come out and get me.

The one thing you never notice when you look at forest roads, is that you never notice that there are trees around the road. That makes everything very dark and creepy. I was very aware that the trolls could be lurking around the trees. The birds were calling out and giving the place a very eerie place to walk in. But I knew I was safe.

I crept along the bramble covered road. The bushes and trees seemed to grow very wild on this path. The birds seemed to be the only animals in the forest. I didn't see any squirrels or foxes roaming the road. I was grateful for the birds. They made it seem less like a haunted forest. Everything was going alright. . .I should have known something was lurking.

I must have traveled a ways into the forest when I heard something in the trees. It was big, whatever it was. It's steps sounded huge in the forest, and the trees were rumbling and shaking. They were coming closer and closer to the small grove of trees behind me.

I knew that I was in trouble. I started to run as fast as I could. It had to be trouble if it shook the trees. The road never seemed longer then it ever did before. I ran like the whips of a balrog were on my tail. I did not want to know what was behind me. I heard it knock a tree over as it finally reached the road. A guttural cry emerged from the creature's mouth. I may have been far away, but it was loud. It shook the forest as it rang through the trees. The birds scattered. I'm pretty sure I had a troll on my tail. Adrenaline became my best friend in three seconds.

I felt it coming towards me as I ran. I looked back a moment. The troll was still far away. . . but they have big feet and legs. It wouldn't be long before I couldn't out run the troll. I wanted to get out of the forest. If I was going to face him, I wanted to be out in the open. Wait a minute. . . How do I fight? I don't have any sword training! CRAP!

" I better out run him to the river. Legs! Don't fail me now!"

I was so tired, but I kept running. There was no way I was going to give in. This chase is REALLY bad for me. I have an inherited heart murmur that affects me when I run. I can't run for long distances. Only short ones. But if I stopped I could die! What do I do!

I must have had an angel carrying me through the forest, because I emerged through the clearing in record time. . .Sadly with angry troll still on my tail. I knew I couldn't go anywhere. I was exhausted. I drew out my sword rather haphazardly . My hands shook violently as I held it. The fear gripped me like death as I contemplated how the troll was going to kill me.

"Believe. . ." A voice whispered on the wind. It rustled through the trees. The clouds were dark above me.

I began to believe. I believed in myself, in my King, and the weapon I had. I could defeat this troll. My King was with me.

Crash.

The troll rammed through the trees. It was a mighty troll. I made a guess that it was a hill-troll. Still, a troll is a troll, to me. I held my sword in front of me. The troll snarled and roared at me. Wielding a heavy club, it came at me.

As it got closer the troll seemed to be hesitant of me. My sword seemed to be growing brighter. The troll was a few yards a way as it came closer. I must have looked like an easy meal for it. One that was too tired to fight.

The troll raised his club to hit me. I was prepared to run away as soon as it got near me. He was about to strike his hefty club on me. His club was held high above his head. Then he stopped.

He seemed to be posing in a frozen state.

I didn't know what had happened. Then I saw the sun.

The clouds had rolled completely away from the sun. The bright sun had begun to harden the skin from the top down. In 30 seconds he became stone.

Shock would not describe how I felt.

I shivered furiously. It was mostly relief that I felt mixed with happiness and fatigue.

My legs gave way and I collapsed on the ground. Still shaking, I looked up at the troll. Frozen in time. I had never seen a miracle like that.

I knew now. I was in good hands. . .

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Okay peoples. I gave you a climatic chapter. Yes, I know my faith shines through chapter. But I think if you went to M.E, you'd depend on God too. I always wanted to write a story like this. Hope you enjoyed it. And by the way. . .READ AND REVIEW! Love you All!


	6. I'm there! AmostNot really

Disclaimer: I don't own that great set of books. I don't own Crazy either.

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Relief is a strange feeling. Everyone reacts differently to it; mostly depending on the amount and how scared you were before. In my case, I had a waterfall of relief wash over me. This is probably why I went crazy.

Yes, I went crazy.

I burst out into hysterical and uncontrollable laughter which I doubt anyone would have been able to stop me. It felt so good to laugh at this life threatening situation. That troll didn't seem so big anymore. Once I finally calmed down, I taunted my new stone friend.

"Whatcha gonna do now, punk?"

"Are you gonna try and eat me now!"

"Come on! Put up your dukes!"

I beat my chest like the girl version of Tarzan. Then I made two fists and pretended to box the frozen troll. He didn't move, so I was happy.

I decided that I should probably eat something. I hadn't eaten in two days practically with all of the activity of traveling through Middle Earth. I hoped that there was some food left in the bag I amazingly still had flung over my shoulder.

I dug through the bag and found the canteen I had been sipping earlier on the trip. Well, before I had to run for my life from the troll anyways. Somehow I had been able to run with it on. I really hoped the contents (and possible food) were not harmed in my sprint.

Jack pot.

Wrapped inside a handkerchief I found some bread. This bread was light but filling for a person on the road. It tasted rather sweet,and it reminded me of what people think of elvish bread is like. Good thing it tasted good. Then again, anything would have tasted good at that moment Except for grass. I would not eat that.

I sat down a few yards away from the stone troll and ate my bread. I put back the handkerchief in the bag after I was done. When I did that, I realized there was another pocket on the inside of the leather bag I hadn't seen before. I reached inside and discovered something.

It was an illustrated guide to Tolkien's world.

Maybe God has a sense of humor. Why would he give me this? This would make my journey really easy. I have a map, and a history of all the peoples and events. I wouldn't have to worry about remembering anything. But if this has all the information on Middle Earth, then if I loose it, I could mess up all of Middle Earth history if someone finds it. Of course that's why I have it. There is always a catch isn't there?

I looked at the map. It happened to have a comprehensive map that showed everything from the beginning of Beleriand to the final years of Middle Earth. "Boy, this would be one dangerous tool for anyone with power. I better keep it to myself" I thought internally.

I shoved it back into my bag, in the more secretive spot. I went toward the line of trees I thought I came out of.(The key word there being "thought".) Then I noticed a large river running next to me.

"Well, if this doesn't tell me where I am, I don't know what would" I thought.

"I believe this is the river that leads to the fords" I decided to walk near the river back toward what I think was the trees.

I felt so happy I broke out into a rendition of "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. And "danced" my way down the river bank. Well, if it's called dancing. But I was having fun! I love acting like a lunatic even in the wilderness. It makes life interesting.

Finally after days of journeying, I reached the fords. This would have been easier with car. I should find a place to rent one. Hope they're not too expensive. Maybe the cheesy sales man will give me a good deal.

The fords were bigger then I expected. I really needed to find a bridge, or a horse. Whatever comes first I could use it. . . But I didn't see anything.

"Great" I thought. "I've got to wade through waist high water just to get to Rivendell. Well, I have been needing a bath. I'll just think of it as an icy bath."

I took off my bag, sword, and belt and held them over my head as I walked in the water. Most of my responses to the water were " Gah! It's cold! It's freakin' freezing! Can't they heat this water a little?"

Strangely I made it across without been swept away. I was a tad bit chilly when I got out of the river. Rivendell was in sight and that's all I cared about. I hiked up the hill/road and found myself at the gates of Rivendell. My long journey finally over at last. I think . . .

I knocked on the gates; hoping they wouldn't shoot me at first glance. The gates opened and I drew back. Two elves with really big bows and deadly aim greeted me at the door. They looked rather wary of me. It could have been style of dress, or the fact that I was wet up to the waist.

"Who are you and why do you bid entrance to Rivendell." The elf to my left asked.

I had to clear my throat, because I hadn't spoken to anyone in over a day. "I am a stranger that has been traveling for many days. I've been rather lost and I'm very far from home. I need a place of refuge. I don't mean you any harm. Could I stay here?"

Just then brisk wind blew across me. I shivered. Then I looked down at my feet.

They were disappearing.

They were turning into glowing blue plasma energy. Even my sword around my waist was melding into the energy. The elves stood awe struck. I on the other hand, was TERRIBLY freaked out.

My bag and belt had now become plasma energy and soon I was consumed. I could do nothing about it except stand there. Now I was gone completely and the wind had picked up again.

I felt myself flying with the wind. It blew me over the river and I found myself swirling in another portal in the river. I saw the outside world disappear above me. I was on another journey it seemed.

The elves at the door still stood there in awe struck. The right one dared to speak.

"Do. . .Do you think that was the new security system Elrond was talking about?"

The left one looked at the other one. "If it was. . .it works really really well."

"Huh. . . I guess I'll ask him about that." He replied.

They walked back into Rivendell very baffled. Which is not that easy for an elf.

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Okay peeps! A humorous chapter. I promised you one, you got it. Now you must keep up your end of the bargain by reading and reviewing! Please give me reviews. I feel so lonely without them! I give you all cookies!


	7. A nice swim and a new fashion

Okie dokie!! Cookies to all reviewers. I love you all!! Keep reviewing and I don't mind constructive criticism if you feel like you want to give it to me. I mean, I enjoy the ego boost, but I need something to work with to improve my writing. So I give pie for constructive criticism from reviewers.

Disclaimer: I do not own the wonderful work that is LOTR

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Whooooooosh!

Again I found myself on the energy slide. It felt as though I was moving faster then a bat out of a bat cave. I did not appreciate my sudden drop and removal of my body from Rivendell. I could have been safe and warm in the safety of Rivendell. Now it seemed I did not have opportunity.

After another set of twist and turns, I saw the end. It looked like more water up ahead. I just barely had time to hold my breath before I plunged into at icy existence. I swam as fast as I could toward the surface; breaking through with a gasp, only to realize that I was being carried with the river. My adrenal glands started to work really well. I began attempting to swim and looking for a shore to get too. Their were rocks ahead near the shore which I tried to reach. I still had all my supplies, clothes and sword attached to me. Not to mention my shoes were really weighing me down and kept pulling me under. At that moment I wished I had taken more swimming lessons.

After what seemed an eternity, I reached the nearest rock I could grab. Oh sweet relief! That rock was a life saver. I moved from rock to rock trying to climb up them on to the shore. Not succeeding very well at it.

Finally I saw some outgrowth of plants and roots near a rock that I could pull myself up on. It was a good thing I found them. I was getting really tired of fighting the river.

As I desperately tried to pull myself on shore, I felt a hand grab mine. They pulled my arm that held the plants. The deep voice attached to it said "Let me help you! Give me your other hand."

Well it was either do this, or drown, so I chose the latter. I could feel his really long nails that dug into my skin as I was hoisted out of the raging river. Safely on shore, I spat and sputtered as I laid there facing the ground. I had not even got a real look at my rescuer.

"Are you alright?" my rescuer asked.

I looked up and saw a long flowing white robe. Next to the robe was a long white staff. I peered up at the top of the robe. There was an old man's face attached to the robe. He had dark eyes; strangely he seemed rather familiar. It took me a while to think of who he was.

Then I realized who he was.

It was Saruman.

I had a million flash backs of his treachery during the War of the Ring. He must have noticed my paling face and fearful look. He stared intensely into my face; almost in a searching manner.

"You seem rather frightened of me" he said. "Are you?"

I am one of the most honest people in the world, so I had to answer truthfully.

"Ummm….yes…."

"Why is that?" he asked.

This was one of those think fast moments I usually fail at, but fortunately not today.

"I-I-I guess I just fear people with a lot of power." I stammered. I hate it when I stammer.

He smiled in a sort of old man type way then said. "You don't have to be afraid of me."

I bit my tongue. Of course I had to be afraid of him! He betrays/betryed the free peoples of Middle-Earth and helps Sauron ravage/ destroy everything. That is, until they lose.

I could not let him know that I knew what he was secretly about to do/ doing to Middle Earth. If he were to discover the book I was carried, it would be disastrous. Who knows what he could do with all of that information? I did not want to even think about that.

Saruman must have noticed that I sort of spaced out. "Come now, let's get you dried off."

"Where am I?" I asked as I got up to follow him. I got up shakily, and I added to the cake by "smoothly" almost falling over again. Luckily, his back was turned , so he did not catch that.

"You are just outside of Isenguard; near the mountains. If you look over that way, you can even see the tower from here." He stopped and pointed to the left of us.

I saw the high walls, and then the obsidian tower above it. It was enormous, and covered in dark ridges. Somehow, it seemed to intimidate me even more then Saruman. I felt a definite aversion to that place, and I could not think of anyone in there right mind that would go in there with the knowledge I had. But alas, I had to go in there. I needed to dry off, and I needed to get some food. Perhaps, this was an opportunity to get some information about the time period that I was in.

Within twenty minutes, we reached the outside gate. The guard at the front gate opened the door. To my amazement, Isenguard was surprisingly different then I had pictured.The inside of Isengaurd was a huge, manicured lawn containing trees and flowers. The circumference of the manicured circle spanned out in all directions. I couldn't believe it was so beautiful. How can something so beautiful turn to such an ugly mess?

When we reached the tower, he lead me to a room inside with a large fireplace. A carved wooden mantle was over it. There sat a few chairs in the room, but mostly there was not anything as far as fluffy chairs go. About the only thing you could consider fluffy was a woven rug near the fire. Other then that, it was pretty bare.

He told me I could sit anywhere I liked. I choose the chair nearest the fire. He called one of his servants to bring a blanket for me. I had never thought he had servants, but I guess he needed them to take care of this gigantic place.

When the servant came back with the blanket, Saruman said "Please take off your bag and sword."

I took off my bag and the belt that held my scabbard. I was going to set them on the ground next to me, but the servant made a gesture to take them. I drew back quickly and held them toward myself.

"Don't worry, milady. He's just going to put them in a room. But if you would like, you may keep them with you" The servant remarked. His voice sounded reassuring to me. I set them on the ground next to my seat. These items would never leave my side.

"You need not fear, milady. I mean you no harm." Saruman's voice was calm. I wanted to give up the sword out of politeness, yet, something inside me stopped me from doing it.

"My apologies….I just feel very uncomfortable without my sword. I've been traveling for a while with my sword. I guess, it bothers me not having it by my side. Perhaps you understand?" I waited in anticipation for his answer.

"Yes, I do understand. You feel incomplete without it by your side." He walked across the room to a cabinet.

"_Yes! He bought it! Score one for me!_" I sighed.

Saruman pulled out a small box from a drawer. He removed a smoking pipe from the box, and walked over to the mantle. There atop the mantle sat another carved box. This time he took out a pinch of some dry leaves. It seemed a wild guess, but I felt pretty sure that it was tobacco. (Pipe + leaves smoking! What a new concept!) He sat down in the chair across from me; savoring the smoke that was as sweet as honey to him. I on the other hand tried holding my breath so I wouldn't inhale so much smoke. Too bad he doesn't know second hand smoke can cause cancer.

After Saruman had gotten his smoking fix, he spoke to me. Actually more like questioned me again.

"So, how did you end up in the river.?"

" In a way, I lost my feet" I replied. He wouldn't have believed me if I told him my feet really did disappeared right before me. Or would he?

"Really…." He mused. I felt uncomfortable in his presence, and the awkward silences were not helping in the slightest. I needed a way out of here. Escaping would prove difficult, especially since he sat right in front of me. I couldn't really contact enterprise to beam me out. At least…not in this reality.

Maybe I could make a break for it and find his stores of food and…..Oh wait…..Most likely he would catch me before I even left the tower. Besides, if I did take the food, I'd be stealing. That wouldn't be right. How could I play this to my advantage? Without, of course, getting killed. I must think fast.

"How far is Rohan from here?" I asked casually.

"Rohan?. . .A few leagues or so." He said vaguely.

"I think I need to go there soon. In fact, probably within the day. Is it possible I could be directed in that way? Maybe when I dry off, perhaps?" I crossed my fingers in my mind. Wait, do minds have fingers? Anyways…

" I believe I could assist you with that." He said.

"Great!" I beamed at him. Although, I think I said it a little too loud. He jumped a bit when I did.

Saruman rose from his chair. "Come with me. I'll show you to a room where Hayla will give your some new clothes. I presume you do not travel in a gown?" He questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, yes. I would deeply appreciate it." I had to hand it to him. Saruman possessed a good sense of perception. At least that remained in my favor. No dress for me. I shuddered at the thought of fighting an orc in an embroidered dress.

He lead me up a steep stairway. Incidentally, the stair case expressed the same color as the rest of the tower; black. For a man who dresses himself in white, he lived in a dark home. I thought about commenting on this subject, but maybe some things are best left unsaid.

The winding stair case branched off in different levels as we climbed higher. Each of the doors were covered in carvings and ornamentation of different kinds. Well, except one of them. Incidentally, that door lead to the room where I would be staying. That is, if I were to stay long enough to even sleep there.

The large wooden door gave way to a surprisingly spacious room. Apparently the servants were not done setting it up, because they all jumped a bit when we entered the room. The one that looked like the maid, squeaked a little and began tidying random things around the room. She seemed rather nervous…Coincidence? I think not. I chose not to notice that when she did. I thought it better that I appeared oblivious to all that was going on. Besides, I needed to keep the book safe. If I did not, the consequences would be dire.

He left me to change in my room. The servants scurried off behind him and I remained alone. Surprisingly the clothes they brought were quite comfortable. It kind of reminded me of tunic. Well, lacking the leggings of course. Which I was perfectly fine with. Leggings are definitely not my thing. To me, they are something that should have been left in the eighties.

Anyways, the dark green pants and white tunic top was really comfy. There were even socks along with it. My shoes needed to dry out some more long with the rest of my clothes. That meant only one thing…Sock sliding!!

Yes, I was going to slide around Isenguard in socks.

With Isenguard's obsidian floor, I could slide around as I chose. Just as long as Saruman or the servants did not see. I decided to head outside and try out my new pare of socks. As soon as I opened the door, my plans were thrown. Saruman's maid stood outside.

You could say I was a bit started. The yelp I gave out when I saw her gave it away immediately.

"Oh my! You scared me!" I gasped.

The maid looked very apologetic. "The master requests that I bring you to the library."

"Oh sure! Lead on," I said merrily.

We walked down the stairs. Myself, I felt rather awkward running around in socks in a place like this. Oh well, I still wanted to slide. Sadly we made it to the library before I found the opportunity to do that.

The library could not even be described in height. It spanned stories and stories of books overflowing to tables on the floor. Histories of every era know the Middle-Earth lay in front of me. I wanted to drool right then. I think any Lord of the Rings fan would fall on their face at the sight. All except the dreaded sues. Then again, they are in their own separate category of evil. This, fortunately is not one of those parodies.

Saruman sat at a long wooden table. He gestured for me to sit down at one of them. I sat a few chairs away. I still was not completely comfortable being near him. Besides there were more books where I was. I could take a peek at them while we talked.

From the minute I sat down, I knew I had been caught. I felt myself immobilized in the chair. My arms and legs, glued to the chair by some unseen force. I was trapped.

"What's going on," I yelled, desperately trying to free myself from the chair.

Saruman chuckled to himself. "My lady, whatever do you mean?" His voice taunted me.

"You know what I mean," I exclaimed.

Saruman leaned foreword. "Well, I have my right to be suspicious," he scoffed. "You clearly aren't around from here. That means you might be a spy. Or better yet you are sent by someone else…"

"Clearly," he continued. "You're hiding something you don't want me to see. I think, just maybe, it might be in that bag. Shall we find out?"

"What are you talking about?" I tried to sound like I did not know anything. It was not too convincing on my part.

He turned to his servant. "Go fetch the ladies belongings and bring them to me."

If Saruman opened those… I was doomed. I could do nothing but pray he would no find the secret pocket. This whole thing could blow up in my face and Middle-Earth would be lost. So, basically everything looked bleak.

What was I going to do?


End file.
